The 35th of May, part four

second part of chapter two

Occasionally they met chickens. The chickens pulled little pans around and if they saw people coming along, they stopped and quickly laid fried eggs with ham or omelets with asparagus. Konrad declined. He was stuffed. So the chickens disappeared into the bushes, pulling their little pans behind them.
„There seem to be no humans at all“, said the boy.
„Of course there are some“, Ringelhuth said, „after all without humans the automate-trees would not make any sense.“
The uncle was right. After a turn in the path they met some houses. The houses had wheels and were drawn by horses. That way the inhabitants could get everywhere while staying in bed. Also there were loudspeakers build into the bedroom-windows. If two cockaignians wanted to talk to each other, they let their houses draw up next to each other and then spoke over the loudspeakers. Without seeing each other's faces!
Konrad pointed at two of these houses. Uncle and nephew tip-toed closer and heard a tired voice speak from one speaker. „Dear president“, said the one loudspeaker, „how is the weather today?“
„I have no clue“, said the other one, „I have not left my bed in the last ten days“
„Well“, the other grumbled, „you could at least look out off the window, after all you are governing us.“
„Why don't you look out off the window, dear Hannemann?“
„I'm lying with my face to the wall and am too lazy to turn around“
„It is the same with me, my dear Hannemann“
„Oh well, Mr president, I guess we have to miss out on the weather report.“
„I agree with you, dear Hannemann, good bye and sleep well!“
„Same to you, Mr. President, bye-bye!“ The two loudspeakers yawned. Then the houses rolled away from each other.
„We should take a look at this president“, Ringelhuth suggested.
They followed the slowly rolling presidential palace. When it stopped in an orchard of automate-trees, they couriously looked through the window.
„What a fat guy“, whispered the uncle.
„Good lord!“, Konrad exclaimed, „that is the fat Seidelbast!“
„How do you know the president of Cockaigne?“
„The fat Seidelbast had to repeat classes eleven times because he was so lazy.“, the boy explained. „He married in third grade and moved out off town. Rumor had it that he wanted to become a farmer. I had no clue that he became president of Cockaigne.“ Then Konrad tapped on the window and shouted: „Seidelbast!“
The president, fat as a balloon, turned around in his bed and asked, clearly annoyed, „whazza matter?“
„Don't you remember me?“, the boy asked.
Seidelbast opened his small eyes, which were almost invisible in the fat face, smiled and asked: „What are you doing here, Konrad?“
Uncle Ringelhuth tipped his hat and said he was the uncle and that they were on their way to the South Sea.
„I'll bring you to the border“, president Seidelbast said. „I just need to eat something first. Just a moment, dear sirs!“ He fumbled around in the bedside locker and pulled out a few pills. „A few piquant starters first.“ He took a white Pill and pressed a button. On the opposite wall a picture of sardines in oil and deviled eggs appeared. „Now a nice crispy duck-roast“, said the president, took a pink pill and again pressed a button. The picture of a grandiose duck-roast with baked apples and cucumber-salad appeared on the wall.
„And now ice-cream with fruits“, Seidelbast said, took a yellow pill and again pressed on of the buttons. The wall showed a big cup full of ice-cream and peaches.
„Why are you eating pills?“, asked the uncle. As an apothecary, he was of course very interested in that.
„Eating would be too straining otherwise“. Claimed the president. „In the form of pills backed by slides, it tastes just as well with way less work.“
While the two tourists were busy being baffled, Seidelbast rolled out off bed. He wore swimming trunks. All the other clothes were painted on: the shirt, the trousers, the jacket, the tie, the socks and the shoes. „Nice, isn't it?“, he asked. „My invention! All this constant putting clothes on or off takes way too much time. And is unnecessary work.“
He groaned and sighed and left the room.
It took quite a while before he rolled out off the house. He greeted his old school-friend quite cordially and shook the uncle's hand.
„Before you run off to the South Sea, I have to show you our testing grounds“, he said. And then they walked slowly over a blue-grey meadow. Suddenly it started to rain. „I should have left the cane at home and instead have brought an umbrella“, said Ringelhuth.
„Don't fret“, president Seidelbast said, „Now you can see what conveniences our country can offer!“ He was right, of course. Just as the first drops fell onto the earth, dozens of umbrellas grew on the meadow. One could step under one and wait out the rain. Or one could pull one out off the ground and carry it around.
The three plucked one umbrella each and walked on.
„Once the rain ends, they will fade again“, said Seidelbast. The two guests were duly impressed.
The rain ended and the umbrellas faded like flowers. The president and his guests threw their umbrellas into the ditch.
„The testing ground I have established“, Seidelbast said, „helps to entertain inhabitants with a lively fantasy without straining them.“
„Please tell us more about it“, the uncle said.
„To a normal cockaignian, the 24 hours of the day are just enough to eat and to sleep“, said Seidelbast. „You have to keep in mind that anyone under two and a half hundredweights has to leave the country. There are those who reach the national weight with ease, but who are extremely lively. What could we do? Boredom saps one's energy. The number of expelled could grow and the population density could drop. We had to find a way out. I'm quite proud to have found it. Here is the testing ground! Pay good attention!“
They had arrived on a lawn. Around them stood beds and in the beds lay many people.
„Whatever you think here will become real!“ said Seidelbast. „That is a great way to entertain oneself. If one has had enough, one just has to shout 'off you go' and it's gone.“
„I don't believe you“, said Konrad, „Seidelbast, you're pulling my leg.“
„I'll be damned!“, shouted the uncle. „Do you see the calf with two heads?“
In front of one of the beds stood a calf with two heads and eyeballed with his four eyes the fat man who had wished it into existence. He giggled and eventually called „off you go!“ and the calf vanished.
The three went on and came to a big lady. She was lying in a bed, too and had a thousand wrinkles on her forehead from thinking. Suddenly an old man with a vasculum stood in front of her. „Off you go!“, she grumbled and he was gone. Then she thought again and another old man with a vasculum in front of her bed. He looked a lot like the first one, he just had fewer teeth and longer white hair.
„Off you go!“, commanded the woman, and he disappeared as well. And then a third man stood there, looking very similar to the other two. But he had a bigger nose and no hair. „Off you go!“ the woman shouted angrily and closed her eyes from exhaustion.
„What are you doing there, Mrs Bruckner?“, asked Seidelbast.
„Oh Mr. President“, the woman answered, „I'm trying to imagine my grandfather. But I can't get him together anymore. I have forgotten how he looked.“
„Don't get angry“, Seidelbast warned her. „Since last week you only weigh 255 pounds. I would be very sorry if I had to expel you from Cockaigne.“
„I have been trying this for the last eight days“, the crying Mrs Bruckner said, „and every time I get the old man wrong. Good night, Seidelbast.“ Then she fell asleep. She had strained her brain that hard.
„Look“, cried Konrad, „Look! Over there! A lion!“
In front of one of the beds stood a huge blond lion with his giant mouth open, showing of his teeth.
„Of course, ol' Borgmeier“, Seidelbast grumbled. „He thinks of wild beasts all the time. It is a fixation of his. I just hope it won't all end in tears.“
The blond lion crept closer to the bed, arched his back and hissed terribly. Borgmeier went pale. „Back!“, he shouted, „Back off you stupid cat!“ But the lion came closer still. He was already nibbling on the blankets. „Go away!“, Borgmeier cried.
„He is so afraid that he has forgotten that it is supposed to be 'Off you go!'“, Seidelbast said. „If he does not remember it quickly enough, he will be eaten, I'm afraid.“
„In that case, I will just run over and shout it into the lion's ear“, said Konrad and started to walk over. But uncle Ringelhuth held him and said: „You stay here, young man. If I told your parents that you had been eaten by an imaginary lion, they would kill me.“
Seidelbast also advised staying put. „It would not help“, he explained, „he has to say it himself.“
In the mean time the lion had jumped onto the bed, stepped on his belly with his front paws, looked at him and was clearly moved. He had not had such a fat breakfast in a very long time. He open his mouth...
„Off you go!“, Borgmeier cried, and the lion was gone.
„Have you lost your mind?“, Seidelbast asked the shaking man. „I would be angry with you, if it wouldn't be that much work.“
„I won't do it ever again!“, Borgmeier wailed.
„You will not be allowed on the testing ground for the next 14 days“, said the president severely and went on with his visitors.
Suddenly uncle Ringelhuth began to shrink. „I'm going mad!“, he cried. „What's going on?“
Konrad laughed and rubbed his hands. Seidelbast laughed as well and said: „You are quite a rascal.“
And the uncle shrank more and more. Now he was just as tall as Konrad. And then just as tall as a cane. And in the end he was just as tall as a pencil.
Konrad stooped down, took the small uncle in his hand and said: „I have imagined you to be as small as on the photograph we have at home.“
„Stop joking around“, said the miniature-uncle. „Say 'Off you go!' at once!“ He raised his small hand as if he wanted to give his nephew a slap in the face, even though he was just as big Konrad's palm on which he was standing. „I order you!“
Seidelbast laughed tears. The boy said to his uncle: „You ugly dwarf!“ and put him into his breast pocket. Now uncle Ringelhuth was looking out off there, waved about with his little arms and shouted until his voice was croaky.
At that moment the horse showed up, and Konrad introduced him to the president.
„I'm very honored“, said both. The horse praised Cockaigne to the sky. It was the ideal place to be for unemployed circus horses. And then he asked: „Where did our apothecary end up?“
Konrad just pointed onto his pocket. The horse almost lost his straw hat out of astonishment. Now the boy told him how the uncle had shrunk and what had happened to them with Mrs Bruckner's grandfather and the lion.
„Oh“, said the horse, „That is an idea I have to try out myself. I want my ball bearing roller skates here.“ And wham! He had four roller skates on his hooves, since he had imagined it that way.
He was very happy about that and immediately made two eights and a pirouette. It was great joy for connoisseurs and laymen. Seidelbast said that he would applaud if he was not so lazy. The horse curtsied and thanked for the praise.
„My dear nephew“, said uncle Ringelhuth, „please let me out off your pocket.“
„My dear uncle“, replied Konrad, „I don't think so.“
„No?“
„No!“
„Well, you wanted it this way“, said the uncle. „For that you shall get a giant head as punishment. And green hair. And instead of your fingers ten frankfurters.“
And that's what happened. Konrad got a terribly big head with green hair on top. And on his hands ten frankfurters. The horse laughed and said he looked like something from a cheap ghost train ride. And Seidelbast gave a mirror to the boy so he could have a look at his new beauty. Konrad started to cry. And uncle Ringelhuth had to laugh so much because of the frankfurters that the pocket split.
Seidelbast said they should have imagined something nice and wished for something good for others. „Alas, that's humans for you“, he growled wisely. „Now magic each other back, please.“
So the uncle called out: „Off you go!“ and the nephew got his old appearance back. Now Konrad took the uncle from his pocket, put him down onto the lawn and also said: „Off you go!“
The uncle had his old height back in no time.
„Someone should have taken a picture of you, you looked rather stupid.“, said Seidelbast.
„Lets get going then“, said the horse and pawed the ground with his roller skates. So they left the testing ground and Seidelbast accompanied them to the border.
„Do you still have room in Cockaigne?“, Ringelhuth asked as they were saying good-bye.
„Why?“, asked the president.
„We have a lot of people who have nothing to do or to eat.“, answered the uncle.
„Go away with those“, cried Seidelbast. „Those guys want to work! We have no use for people like that!“
„Too bad“, said the horse. And then they shook each other's hands. Konrad and the uncle climbed onto their roller-skates-horse and rolled over the border. Seidelbast wave with the little finger to not tire too quickly and shouted: „Always straight ahead!“