The 35th of May, part three

Chapter two - part one

Entry for free! Children half price!

In the dark inside of the wardrobe, Uncle Ringelhuth hit something hard. It was an old cane and he took it with him. After all, the way to the South Sea is long, he thought. And then he ran into the dark like an expert long-distance runner. High, derelict masonry lined the ghostly way at first. But suddenly the walls ended and the uncle found himself in a forest.
But this forest did not consist of trees, but flowers! Gargantuan bellflowers as high as cedars, for example. If the wind blew, their stamen hit against the walls of the blooms. It sounded as if church-bells were rung. Together with the bellflowers stood irises, camomiles, columbines and roses of delightful colours.
All the flowers in this forest were as big as century-old trees. The sun made the gigantic blossoms shine. The bellflower rang sweetly because a soft breeze was blowing.
And uncle Ringelhuth ran to-and-fro, constantly shouting: „Konrad, where are you?“
He ran for almost ten minutes before he caught up with the two runaways. Negro Caballo, the roller-skate-horse stood in front of a gigantic violet and nibbled on its green, carpet-like leaves. The nephew sat on the horse's back, looking up into the flower-trees and sucking on his thumb (even if he in fact was too grown up for that).
„I'll go mad!“, the uncle cried and dried his sweaty forehead with his handkerchief. „I'll go mad!“, he repeated. „Firstly, you run away. And secondly you drag me into a forest – well, such a forest as I never saw my entire life.“
„Incidentally, are we near the South Sea, yet?“, Konrad asked.
„Take the thumb out of your mouth when speaking to us!“, ordered the uncle. The startled Konrad did so immediately, looked at his thumb as if he had never seen it before and was very ashamed.
The horse said „Mount up!“ The uncle jumped onto the horse's back, held on to his nephew, slapped the horse with his cane and off they went!
The black horse was in an excellent mood and recited Goethe: „Who rides there so late through the night dark and drear?/The father it is, with his son so dear“
But Konrad said: „We are uncle and nephew, not father and son!“
And Ringelhuth added: „Why night? You are exagerating. Why don't you just gallop on instead?“
„Okay“, said the horse and ran even quicker through the forest of flowers.
Konrad gripped the mane and the uncle gripped Konrad. And the meat salad and the raspberry-sauce got into a fight in their stomachs. The roses shone in all colours. The bellflowers rang quietly. And uncle Ringelhuth said to himself: „I wish we were there, yet!“

Suddenly the horse stopped. „What's the matter?“, asked Konrad, who had closed his eyes during the ride.
They stood right in front of a tall wooden fence. On the fence there was a sign. And the sign read:

Here begins Cockaigne
Entry for free!
Children half price!

Uncle Ringelhuth slid slowly off the horse, took a good look at the sign and the fence and said: „Something's wrong here!“
„Why?“, asked the horse.
„The fence has no entry“, explained the uncle. Now the two others also realized that there was no door. Konrad stood on Negro Caballo's back, gripped the fence and tried to climb over it. But Ringelhuth caught the boys ankle. „You are a complete fool, my son.“, he whispered. „Do you really think you can climb into Cockaigne? Everyone knows that the most lazy people on the whole wide earth. People like that do not climb!“
But the boy was relentless. He held onto the fence's railing and slowly pulled himself up. „I can almost see over it“, he said. At that moment, a giant hand appeared out off thin air and gave him such a slap in the face that Konrad let go of the fence and fell into the grass, holding his cheek.
„You see,“ the uncle said, „one does not have to climb everytime, just because one can.“
He signaled them to be quiet, leaned against a tree and called out: „If these guys think we will climb over their blasted wall, they could not be more wrong. We'd rather stay here.“
Then he yawned theatrically and went on: „I guess the wisest move now is to have a nap.“

He had just finished that sentence, when a small door opened up in the fence, even though there had not been a door just moments ago.
A voice called out: „Please enter!“
They walked through the door. The first thing they saw was a gigantic bed. In the bed lay a fat man and said: „I'm the porter. What do you want?“
„We are heading to the South Sea“, replied uncle Ringelhuth.
„Straight ahead!“, said the porter, turned around in his bed and started to snore.
„I hope the snoring does not strain you too much“, said uncle Ringelhuth, but the fat man was already fast asleep again. Or he was to lazy to answer. Who knows?

Konrad looked at the landscape. They were obviously standing in an orchard. „Look, uncle!“, the boy shouted. „Cherries, apples, pears and plums grow on the same tree here!“
„It is more practical this way“, mused the uncle.
But the horse was not yet satisfied with Cockaigne. „As long as you still have to pick the fruits yourself, this land does not impress me that much.“
Konrad, who had looked at one of the four-fruit-trees a bit closer, waved both the uncle and the horse over. What they saw then, was really terribly practical. On each tree there was a small automat with levers and instructions: „turn left lever once: 1 peeled and cut apple“, it said. „Turn left lever twice: 1 mixed fruit salad.“ „Turn right lever once: 1 slice plum cake with cream.“
„This is great“, said the uncle and turned the right lever twice. A bell chimed and a plate of cherry jam came out off the machine.
Now all three started to work the trees and ate. The horse had the greatest hunger and ate everything from two trees and could not stop. Then uncle Ringelhuth wanted to go on. The horse said: „Just go, I will catch up with you later!“

And so Konrad and his uncle marched on deeper into Cockaigne.

The 35th of May, part two

And here we go again. The second part of the first chapter.

Negro Caballo laughed neighingly. And then they walked back inside to play Authors. The horse won the whole time. He knew all the classical names and works by heart. Uncle Ringelhuth on the other hand was a complete failure. As a pharmacist he knew which diseases the poets had and how they were cured or from what they died. But he had no idea about their novels or dramas.
It was unbelievable. He thought Schiller's „Song of the Bell“ was by Goethe!
Suddenly, Konrad jumped up, threw his cards away and ran to the bookcase. He took a heavy book from the the top shelf, sat down on the carpet and started to browse.
„We don't want to be intrusive, but maybe you could explain to us what you are doing? Why do you leave the game?“, asked the uncle. „By the way, I am still missing a comedy by Gotthold Ephraim Lessing. I just know that his wife, a certain Eva König, died shortly after giving birth. The child died a day later and Lessing himself didn't have that much longer to live afterwards either.“
„What you are telling us does not sound like a comedy to me“, said the horse. Then he whispered to uncle Ringelhuth: „Minna of Barnhelm.“
„No! Her name was Eva König, not Minna of Bornholm!“, the uncle shouted angrily.
„Heavens!“, murmured the horse. „Minna of Barnhelm was not Lessing's wife, but the name of the comedy!“
„Ah!“, said Ringelhuth. „Why didn't you say so before? Konrad, hand over the Minna of Bornholm!“
Konrad sat on the carpet, browsed the book and said nothing.
„Would you please kick my nephew awake?“, asked Ringelhuth his four-legged guest. The horse trotted over to Konrad, took him by the collar and lifted him into the air with his teeth. But Konrad did not take any notice of this. He just browsed and browsed the book, even though the horse had lifted him into the air. He looked worried.
„I can't find it, uncle“, he said suddenly.
„What?“ Ringelhuth asked. „Minna of Bornholm?“
„The South Seas“, said Konrad.
„The South Seas?“ asked the surprised horse. Since he had to open his mouth to speak, Konrad fell onto the floor. Noisily.
„We're lucky that Mühlenbergs' chandelier is already broken“, said the uncle and rubbed his hands with glee. „But what are we supposed to do with the blasted Sotuh Sea?“ He turned to the horse. „My nephew has to write an essay on the South Sea for school“
„Because I'm good at math“, Konrad explained. He was annoyed.

The horse thought on this for a moment. Then he asked the uncle whether he had the afternoon off.
„Sure“, said Ringelhuth, „I always work the night shift in the pharmacy on thursdays.“
„Great!“, exclaimed Negro Caballo, „then we can just go there!“
„To the pharmacy?“ Konrad and his uncle asked as one.
„No“, said the horse, „to the South Seas of course.“ And then he asked whetehr he could use the telephone. Uncle Ringelhuth nodded and the horse loped over to the phone. He took the receiver, dialed a number and said: „Hello, is this the travel agency for circus horses? I want to talk to the Big Nag personally! Oh, its you. How are you? The mane grays? Well we all are not the youngest anymore, aren't we? Can you tell me how to get to the South Seas in the quickest possible manner? I want to be back by dinner. A problem? Big Nag, stop messing around! Where am I? At a friend's place, a certain Ringelhuth. Johann Mayer Street 13. What? Now that's what I call good news. Thank you very much!“

He neighed three times into the receiver as a good-bye and turned around and asked: „Mister Ringelhuth, do you own an old wardrobe in your corridor? It is supposed to be from the 15th century.“
„Even if that was the case, what has my wardrobe to do with the South Seas and your Big Nag?“, Ringelhuth asked back.
„We are supposed to go into the wardrobe and then straight o. In about two hours we should arrive at the South Seas.“, the horse explained.
„Pardon? Stop fooling around“, Uncle Ringelhuth said. Konrad however ran into the corridor, opened the jarring door of the old wardrobe, clambered into it and out of view.
„Konrad!“, the uncle called. But the boy did not answer. „I'll be damned, why doesn't he answer?“
„He is probably already on his way“, said the horse.
Now Ringelhuth lost all restraints. He ran over to the wardrobe, looked into it and cried: „It's true! It has no back wall!“
The horse, who had followed him said reproachfully: "How could you doubt that? Just get into it"
"After you, please", said Uncle Ringelhuth, "after all, this is my home."
The horse stepped into the wardrobe with his front hooves. Ringehuth pushed with all force, until Caballo was inside the wardrobe. Then he clambered into it himself.
"Now doesn't this look promising", he said in desperation.

The 35th of may - new series

I just bought the birthday-present for my nephew, a book.

It is "the 35th of May" by Erich Kästner and one of the best german children's books ever written.
Since it has been out of print in the english world for what seems to be decades, I decided that I would translate it and publish the translation here on my blog.
After all, most of my american friends have children or grandchildren and might find this good reading-material for them.
Also I am sure that most grown-ups will also enjoy this book immensely.

So here we go with the first part of the first chapter. If you like it, tell me and I will add more chapters later.



It was the 35th of May

It was the 35th of May. It was no surprise that Uncle Ringelhuth was not surprised by anything. If that which happened today had happened to him on any other day, he surly would have thought that he or the world would be a few cards short of a deck. But on the 35th of May, one has to be prepared for everything.
Also it was a Thursday. Uncle Ringelhuth had just picked up his nephew Konrad from school. Now they were walking down Glacis Street. Konrad looked downtrodden. His uncle did not notice and instead looked forward to lunch.

Before I go on with the story, I should give you a family-historic introduction. Well: Uncle Ringelhuth was the brother of Konrad's father. And since he was still unmarried and lived on his own, he picked up Konrad from school every Thursday. They had lunch together and took coffee. Only in the evening, the boy was returned to his parents. These Thursdays always were very funny. Uncle Ringelhuth had no wife who could cook lunch and he himself had never learned it! He also had no maid. That is why on Thursdays, he and Konrad ate the weirdest food. Sometimes they had cooked ham with whipped cream. Or pretzels with cranberries. Or cherry-cake with english mustard. They preferred english mustard since it is very hot and stings like a bee.
After lunch, when they felt really sick, they looked out of the window and laughed so hard that the neighbors thought: "Apothecary Ringelhuth and his nephew have unfortunately lost their minds."

Anyway, they were walking along Glacis Street and the uncle asked: "What's with the glum face?", when someone pulled on his jacket. When the two turned around, there was a big black horse. With a straw hat. It asked politely: "Have you by any chance a lump of sugar on you?"
Konrad and the uncle shook their heads.
"In that case, please excuse the trouble", said the horse and lifted his hat. As it prepared to leave, uncle Ringelhuth asked: "Can I offer you a cigarette?" "Thanks but no", replied the horse, "I'm a non-smoker." It bowed and trotted towards Albert Place, halted in front of a delicatessen and left its tongue hanging from its mouth.
"We should have invited the horse for lunch", the uncle said, "it looks hungry". Then he looked at Konrad and asked: "What's the matter, Konrad? You're not even listening!"
"I have to write a paper on the south seas."
"About the south seas?", the uncle said, "now that is dire."
"It is terrible", Konrad replied. "Everyone who is good at maths has to do the blasted south seas. Because we lack imagination! Everyone else has to describe a house being built. That is a piece of cake compare to the south seas. That's what you get for being good a mathematics!"
"You may not have an imagination", said Uncle Ringelhuth, "but I'm your uncle and that's just as well. We'll present your teacher with a south sea that he won't know what hit him!"
Then he stepped of the sidewalk with one foot and hobbled on. Even Konrad was just a human, he got amused.
And when the hobbling uncle greeted a man and right afterwards said: "Disgusting, that was my enforcement officer", the boy could not help himself and giggled as if tickled.

When the arrived at the uncle's flat, they went straight to lunch. They had chopped bacon quiche and meat salad with raspberry-juice. "The old Spartans even ate blood-soup without making a fuss", the uncle said. "How does it taste, old sport?"
"Wonderfully terrible", Konrad answered. "One has to harden oneself", the uncle said. "As soldiers we got noodles with herring and as students rice cooked in saccharin. Who knows what they will serve you once you are older. Eat, my boy, until your stomach gets an armor!"
With that he put some more raspberry-juice on Konrad's meat salad.

After lunch, they looked out of the window for fifteen minutes, waiting to feel ill. But that never happened. After that they did gymnastics. The uncle helped his nephew up onto the big bookcase and Konrad did a handstand. "Just a minute", Ringelhuth said, "keep upside down for a bit longer!" He brought his eiderdown from the bedroom and laid it down before the bookcase. Then he orderend: "Jump!", and Konrad jumped off the case onto the eiderdown.
"Great", the uncle yelled. He took a run-up and jumped over the table. After that they heard a crack and a lot of tinkling from downstairs. Awestruck, uncle said:"That was Mühlenbergs' chandelier."
They waited for a few minutes, but no one knocked and no one rang either.
"Mühlenbergs are probably not at home", Konrad said.

And then the bell did ring! The boy ran outside, opened the door and came back pale. „The big black horse is here“, he whispered.
„Let it in!“, uncle Ringelhuth ordered. So the nephew let the animal in. It lifted his straw hat and asked: „I hope I am not bothering you?“
„No way!“, the uncle cried. „Please, take a seat!“
„I prefer to stand“, said the horse. „Please do not think me to be rude, but we horses are not configured for sitting.“
„As you please“, the uncle replied. „May I ask why you honour us with your visit?“
The horse looked at them with its big, serious eyes. It was a bit embarrassed. „You two looked so nice to me from the beginning.“
„Thanks“, Konrad bowed. „Do you still want some sugar?“ He did not wait for the answer but ran straight into the kitchen and brought the sugar, put one lump after the next on his palm and the horse ate without pause about half a pound. Then it sighed and said: „Well, that was just in time! Thanks a lot, dear sirs! May I introduce myself? My name is Negro Caballo! Until late April, I performed my famous roller-skate-act at the circus. Then they fired me and since then I have not earned a single dime.“
„Well, well“ said uncle Ringelhuth, „the same happens to both humans and animals.“
„These bloody cars!“, Negro Caballo continued. „The machines ruin us horses. I even tried to work as a carriage-horse, even though I am a horse with a higher education. But even the secretary-general of the Federal Coach-Horse-Association could not help me. And he is one important nag. By the way, this rhinozeros of a mare drives a car himself!“
„Under these circumstances you shouldn't be surprised by anything anymore“, uncle Ringelhuth explained.
„You are a good man.“ The horse was moved and hit him on the shoulder.
„Ouch!“, cried Ringelhuth.
Konrad wagged his finger at the horse. „If you damage my uncle, you'll have to deal with me!“
The horse showed his teeth and laughed noiselessly. Then he apologised. „I did not mean to harm him.“
„It's OK“, said the uncle and rubbed his shoulder. „Be more careful the next time, my dear Negro Caballo. I am not as strong as a horse.“
„I shal pay more attention“, promised the horse, „I give you my word as the best roller-skate-act amongst all the mammals!“

And then all three looked out of the window. As it looked down onto the street, the horse became dizzy. He closed his eyes and became pale. Konrad said he should be ashamed of himself and so he slowly opened his eyes again.
„Don't fall down“, Ringelhuth said. „I cannot have a horse falling out of my window down onto the Johann-Mayer Street.“
Negro Caballo said: „You see, we horses seldomly have an opportunity to look out from the third floor. But I'm better now. I still would be grateful if you two would stand on either side.“
So the horse stood between the two, put his head far out of the window and ate two fuchsias and a begonia from the neighbors' balcony completely. He did leave the pots. After all, he was a friendly horse.
Suddenly there was a huge commotion in the street. There was a small, round man waving his arms and screaming: „This does it! You take that horse out of the window immediately! You still do not know the rules, do you? It is forbidden to bring horses into the flat!“
„Who is that?“, the horse asked.
„Oh, that's just my landlord, Clemens Waffelbruch“, the uncle answered.
„What an impudence“, the small fat Mister Waffelbruch shouted. „You will reimburse Lehmanns for the flowers this nag has eaten from their balcony! Got that?“
At this the horse started to shiver. Hoho, he would not allow this man to insult him! He took one of the empty pots in his teeth and let it fall from the window. The pot fell – as if it was in an extraordinary hurry – straight down and hit the shouting landlord on the hat. Mister Clemens Waffelbruch kneeled and went quiet. He looked up again, lifted his demolished hat and said: „I'll be going then.“
Then he hobbled back into the house.
„If that man had not left, I would have dropped the whole balcony on his hat one piece at a time“, said the horse.
„That would have been way too expensive for me“, uncle Ringelhuth protested, „let us go back inside!“

Leaving on a jet plane

I bought my tickets to London yesterday. Bloody Ryanair sold me one for 35 Euros. And then took another 30 Euros for luggage. Also they fined me 10 Euros for not using their Ryanair Master Card to pay.

But they are still the cheapest carrier.

So now I need to get my hands on a good travel guide to look what I want to see.

Oh and also, I need accomodation.

So on to Couchsurfing!

And before I forget: I will be in London from the 30th of October to the 4th of November.